I spent the evening painting her room.  It was the last bedroom that needed painted in the house. I have someone renting the room starting next weekend so I figured I better get it done before I go on vacation next week.  I wish she could see the house now.  All painted with new carpet.  I wanted to fix the house up when she was alive, but she said to do it all “after”.  I understood. 

In the past two years, I’ve learned alot…about people, about experiences, and about consequences.  Happiness (or sanity) is found in the mind, not anywhere else beyond that.   I think it would have been easier if I returned to Maryland and plopped back into my comfort zone with all the memories out of site and out of mind.  Much like how I handled her cancer diagnosis and treatment, it would take a good two hours to shift back and forth from denial to acceptance (the drive from MD to PA).   Staying in PA meant I had to face it and I certainly found ways to try and forget about it.  I feel I need to stay to really deal with it.  Plus, having a wonderfully loving, caring, and cute boyfriend in PA isn’t so bad either.  I am grateful and lucky to have him in my life.

I don’t go to church every week but I am a spiritual person.  I believe there is a higher being, and he/she/it sends signals to me when I’ve been acting a fool.  I definitely got some signs last summer.   Two rooms that I could do without ever visiting again in my whole entire life are the Emergency Room and the Court Room.  And that’s all I have to say about that (for now).

It’s been two years since I stopped blogging on this site.  I can’t really say that it flew by, like I normally would.  Let’s just say, it has been different.  A LOT of things have happened since May 2009.  So, I have a lot of catching up to do.

The most important change has been life without my mother.   After being diagnosed in September 2005, she succumbed to metastatic colon cancer on August 4, 2009, less than one month after her 60th birthday.   Witnessing the slow deterioration of human life and watching it waste away to nothing was not really something I felt like blogging about, let alone dealing with at all, as you can imagine.   Life as I knew it was never going to be the same. 

I first noticed the signs in June.  We were preparing for a road trip to Chicago and she was going to come with us.  One day, in the kitchen, as she was mopping the floor Korean-style on her hands and knees, she sat back to rest and let out a long breath.  I knew in that instance that something was not right.  Something had shifted inside her.  Her deteriorating health became more evident on the trip.  Simple tasks that she could easily do days or weeks before became laborous.  Walking, talking, eating….just being.   On June 29th, I quit my job in the DC-area.  By July 3rd, I had packed my stuff and moved back to my mom’s house. 

Her birthday was July 16th.  I had always wanted to throw a big party for her 60th but it just seemed… inappropriate.   Celebrating 60 years of life when you are about to die was just not the mood.  I could go on and on about the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s during that time but there’s nothing I could have done that could change anything or made anything less painful than it already was.  

I have never witnessed birth.  I’ve seen it plenty of times on TV or in movies and I hope to experience it someday, God-willing.  I just hope that birth is joyful as death is morose.    And up until then I never experienced death, cognizantly anyway.  My father passed away when I was 3 but I remember nothing of it.   From what I’ve heard, it was sudden and took place in the hospital.  This was slow and drawn-out.    Torturous… like labor.  Waiting… feeling helpless.  And when it’s over your life is changed forever.

To be continued….

05/08/09 – Saphire – Bethesda, MD

04/19/09 – Comfy – Chevy Chase, MD

04/11/09 – Cherry Blossoms – Shiremanstown, PA

03/17/09 – Finally Some Sun – Wheaton, MD

03/14/09 – Jurge -Chevy Chase, MD

03/12/09 – Jjajjang Myun – Chevy Chase, MD

02/27/09 – Moby Dick – Bethesda, MD

02/22/09 – Pennsyltucky – I-78W, PA

02/21/09 – K-Town – NYC

02/20/09 – NYC – New York, NY

02/19/09 - Flowers from Walter - Chevy Chase, MD

02/18/09 – Eastern Carry-Out – Silver Spring, MD

02/14/09 – Momma’s Food – N. Potomac, MD

02/12/09 – Chicken & Mango Salsa – Chevy Chase, MD

02/11/09 - Nano! – Chevy Chase, MD

02/11/09 – Costco Pizza – Chevy Chase, MD 

02/10/09 – Jur-gee Frog Legs- Chevy Chase, MD

02/08/09 – Hanaro – Bethesda, MD

02/07/09 – Momentos – Chevy Chase, MD